Wiz kids

What if the Washington Wizards never won a game again, and other strategies for the team and its fans.

Yesterday I was face to face with an ICE officer for the first time.

I’ll set the scene: it’s 4:30pm Monday, at Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans. I’m at the airport hours before my flight and covered head to toe in Washington Wizards team gear. As I’m putting my things in the bin for screening, I see the bulky bulletproof vest with the words “POLICE ICE” stitched on. The man this vest is strapped to has a big smile on his face and says, ”You a D.C. guy?”

I take a beat to consider my options. First off, the TSA screening line is not the place for small talk bro, tighten up. I’m at the airport early out of fear as it is. Second, do I really want to chat with this fool? No, but on the other hand, did I wear Wizards apparel in the hopes that somebody would want to talk about them with me?

I decide to engage with, “Oh, uhh yeah.”

His grin widens as he says “Hey sorry, well they might be good this year,” to which I reply, “Maybe next year, we’ll see,” Then he goes, “Oh well, I’m a Philadelphia guy,” then I say, “Sounds like we’ll be down in hell together.” Federal agent man chuckles.

I’ve officially never wanted to go through that weird wind turbine thing more in my life.

A day has passed and that interaction is still velcroed to my brain. An ICE officer apologized to me… because I root for the Washington Wizards. To be fair, pity is a common reaction to seeing Wizards merchandise. It’s right up there with disappointment. Either of these tends to lead me to anger. Being a fan of a bad basketball team should not be so polorizing yet here we are, and I have reached a breaking point.

This season has been a very oddly constructed roller coaster for Wizards nation. A couple of very minor ups, surrounded by the usual downs, with a few loops that lead to some even bigger downs. The team just tied the franchise record for losses in a row and the Wizards podcast community keeps oscillating between that being great and being awful.

In case you weren’t aware, Washington’s first round round draft pick this summer is fully tied to us losing. Which is something we’re pretty good at, historically. I’ve tried my best to avoid the term tanking here. It’s a trigger for me now. Mainly because the NBA’s definition of the term does not match the dictionaries. Oxford’s says tanking is to “fail completely, especially at great financial cost” and that’s not what these Wizards are doing. When we paid Ian Mahinmi 16 million dollars a year to open a Steak ‘n Shake in France? Now that’s tanking. These Wizards are losing games intentionally with a minor financial cost, that’s different.

According to CNBC, the Wizards were worth 4.25 billion dollars in 2025, which places them above eight playoff teams in that category. They also hit 111 million dollars in profit. Which is pretty damn good for a team that you have to sign up for a Patreon to watch, and the main reason I don’t understand why the NBA fan at large looks down on the Wizards. We’re getting money without even actually trying, that’s sick to me. I’m always hearing about the business of basketball, but nobody ever brags about it, you know? Which is a strategy I implore all of my people to consider going forward, for real.

Why do we, as Washington Wizards fans, have to be held to the unrealistic standard of being a winning franchise? What if we never won a game again? Wouldn’t that be interesting? I’m serious. The Wizards made more money than the Thunder last year. If this was rap music it would be the only thing that mattered. I say we lean in even harder, win the last ten games of the year, ensure the Knicks get an extra 1st round pick, and never win a basketball game again. Imagine. If the Knicks won a title because of the Wizards, maybe I could rep my city on the 4 Train in peace for a change. Maybe people would stop talking to me as if rooting for a bad team is beneath me. Maybe putting a Bam Adebayo statue in front of Capital One Arena would get us a game on ESPN every once in awhile.

That nut-ass 83 point game almost sent me into tailspin. I couldn’t take the volume on the “Washington Wizards are a joke” amplifier getting cranked up to 11. The amount of texts I got about that mess, you would think somebody on my team scored 83. It took me some time to see it for what it was: A well-timed Wizards PR move.

Ok, follow me here. Half of those points were against the Capital City Go-Go, that’s giving the Capital City Go-Go a lot of exposure. I’m always getting paid in exposure when I do shows, so it must be good. Next, since Mr. Adebayo made the mistake of scoring more than Kobe, a lot of casual viewers are actually turning on the Miami Heat because they think that was mean of him. Any new Miami Heat haters is great for us.

I have appreciated the team’s response to this all-time lowlight as well, to be fair. Bilal Coulibaly got so mad at the jokes he hit a three the other day, and seeing Justin Champagnie get into a scrap with the broke-ass Oklahoma City Thunder was downright heartwarming. Whenever we let that guy play basketball he always shows a winning mentality, which is why we don’t let him play often.

Despite everything this organization has ever shown me, I do see the vision. It feels like the first time they’ve had a plan in a decade, but the fear that our fate is already sealed will never let me fully “believe” or “be happy”, whatever the right term would be there. I’m honestly to the point where I think higher powers have decided that the Washington Wizards can’t win meaningful basketball games, and yes those higher powers are being overseen by David Stern’s ghost. The Wizards exist like those babies in The Matrix and mid-level soccer teams do. Our sole purpose is to develop players for them to move on and win titles elsewhere. This used to hurt me deeply until I saw the Wizards books — they’re making so much money off of this. Which is very cool. I know capitalism has been having a rough few months, but getting money is still cool as far as I can tell.

Now the owner says he’s done with losing and points to his other property, the Washington Capitals, as proof of this, but I say he doesn’t know how to try in the NBA. If you disagree with that stance, just take a look at the Wizards social media. At everything about the Wizards presence online. They’re hell-bent on letting us know the team is young and don’t seem interested in making them look cool or intimidating or none of that. We’ve relied too much on the phrase “Wiz Kids” for one. I know it rolls of the tongue, but the ideas don’t align fully. Are we dangerously warlocks with mystical powers? Or are we going to math camp in the summer? Which one is it? The first photo they posted of the 2024 draft class was them eating cake, I’m not joking.

Photo credit Washington Wizards

This season, over half of their content was shot in what looks like a really smart child’s bedroom. Now I know they’re Muppet Babies for real, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep reminding us.

Next year, the fans need something different. Let Anthony Davis prank the young guys bad, like extra devastating. I want to see them use curse words. That is, if you’re serious about winning. The next time an ICE officer tells me he’s sorry, I want it be sung by him in court, not because I support the Washington Wizards. The fans have been through enough and every year there’s less to hold on to, but we want to believe, dammit. Show us you’re serious and buy a damn wedding ring already. For all of us. It’s not as many people as you’d think.